In 2016, just before I discovered I was pregnant for the second time, I wrote a blog post called ‘On Ambition(s)’.
Prior to having my son, I had always thought of myself as a very ambitious person. I wanted to progress in my career. I wanted to become Head of Marketing, then Marketing Director, then maybe move on to Comms Director somewhere.
Then I had my son, and I just… didn’t know what I wanted anymore. It’s not that I didn’t want to do a good job - I did want to, and I continued to be very good at my job. I DEFINITELY didn’t want to stay at home. I loved going into work! But my drive to progress really fell away. One half of me was like, a job is a job is a job. Go in, do good work, go home, get paid. You have a baby, chill out.
But then the other half me wrote this paragraph:
I’m already older than almost everyone in my team (including my boss). What happens in 5 years’ time when I turn 40? Where do I want to be by then? I’ve been watching the peers I started off with 9 years ago taking on their own teams and becoming directors. Do I want to do that? Now that I’m part time, and others in my team put a LOT more in than me, will there ever be a next promotion? Am I okay with not doing that? What’s the alternative? Is there one?
Shortly after writing this blog post, I was told explicitly that I wouldn’t get promoted on 3 days a week. My requests to move up to 4 days were ignored. I don’t begrudge anyone at my old company for this now, by the way - they were just doing things the way they had always been done. I was not putting my be all and end all into that job anymore, and even if I was getting amazing results, I think that was clear.
But at the time, I was totally fed up about the whole thing, and I did not return to that job after my second maternity leave (or rather: I returned to work out half of my notice period and was the highest paid envelope stuffer in the building for 1.5 very long months).
And also: I WASN’T hungry for it. I looked at my boss and my boss’s boss. I looked at those friends who were now becoming directors. They were all so good at what they did, so dedicated, and I felt absolutely no desire at all to do their jobs.
What I cared about was that I felt stuck, and that I didn’t understand what the alternative could be. I’m a very goal oriented person, and having no work goals at all felt really very shit.
I wish I could go back in time and tell the person that wrote this piece that there are always other ways. There are other ways to find job satisfaction that don’t involve promotions and pay rises. There are other ways to earn an income that doesn’t involve a monthly salary from a single company.
There are still many issues that I have now, being self-employed. Inconsistent income and actually taking proper holidays are my biggest at the minute, but over the years I’ve had issues with imposter syndrome, how much to charge, difficult clients, and many, many more.
But I feel like it’s in my hands handle them, and that is hugely motivating for me. I AM ambitious, but not for taking on more responsibilities and more pressure. Instead, I’m ambitious about working reasonable hours, having a good quality of life, and enough money to support it. I’m ambitious about taking my kids on great holidays and spending quality(ish) time with them every day. I’m ambitious about making sure that I’m never reliant on someone’s else’s timeline or priorities to make changes in my life.
Anyway, those are some rambly thoughts on ambition for a Friday afternoon.
What are you ambitious for?
What a great change in perspective. I’m currently struggling with the fact that I’m a manager and everyone at my level is decades younger than me. Most people my age are now directors. But I’m happy with my role and just have to accept that’s how it is.
I had a very similar experience after having a baby. It took me 6 years to quit after but I kept looking at the people whose roles I was supposed to strive for and I did not desire their positions at all. Now that I’m doing my own thing and working on creative pursuits like writing, my ambitions have changed drastically. I am ambitious for rest, a holistic and healthy daily life. I strive for deep relationships and human connection. My ambitions are to feel good in my mind and body. I no longer stress about shattering the glass ceiling and reaching for a career role I never wanted in the first place.